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AmuSinG
MomEnTs
Items taken
from Callington Methodist Church magazine 'CONTACT'. Editor. Val Hall
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An elderly woman
in a Bournemouth hotel was heard to remark to a friend, "I never
tell anyone how old I am, dear. When you get to my age,
actions creak louder that words! The Friendship
Book, D C Thomson & Co Ltd.
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A
Quickie Brainteaser
Here are four questions.
You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your
time, answer all of them immediately. Find out just
how clever you really are ...!
Q1. You are participating
in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?
Q2. If you overtake the
last person, then you are ...?
Q3. Very tricky
arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head
only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another l000. Now add 30. Add another
1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000.
Now add 10. What is the total?
Q4. Mary's father had five
daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Contact Magazine, 'Borrowed'
from the Lydford Parish & Community Magazine, 2009
(Answers,
bottom of page)
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The New School Prayer
Now I
sit me down in school, where praying is against the rule
For
this great nation under God finds mention of Him very odd.
If
Scripture now the class recites, it violates the Bill of Rights.
And
anytime my head I bow, becomes a Federal matter now.
Our
hair can be purple, orange or green, that's no offence; it's a
freedom scene.
The law
is specific, the law is precise, prayers spoken aloud are a serious
vice,
For
praying in a public hall might offend someone with no faith at all.
In
silence alone we must meditate, God's name is prohibited by the
state.
We're
allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, and pierce our noses, tongues
and cheeks.
They've
outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible. To quote the Good Book
makes me liable.
We can
elect a pregnant Senior Queen, and the 'unwed daddy', our Senior
King.
It's
inappropriate to teach right from wrong, we're taught that such
'judgements' do not belong.
We can
get our condoms and birth controls, study witchcraft, vampires and
totem poles.
But the
Ten Commandments are not allowed.
It's
scary here I must confess, when chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So,
Lord, this be my silent plea I make: should I be shot, my soul
please take! Amen.
Written by a teenager in Bagdad,
Arizona, USA
From 'A Box of
Delights', J John & Mark Stibbe, Monarch Books
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Mothers
Real Mothers don't each
quiche; they don't have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their
kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have
sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried
play doh doesn't come out of the carpet.
Real Mothers know that a
child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade ...
It is marked by the progression of
Mummy to Mum to Mother ...
From 'Contact' Magazine
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A teacher was
observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.
The little girl
replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher
paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing
a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a
minute". An extract from Callington
Methodist 'Contact' Magazine
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Sunday school was in
session in a Yorkshire town. The classes were separated only
by partitioning which went barely halfway up the room. The
teacher of one class became annoyed beyond endurance by the noisy
behaviour of boys nearby.
He walked round the
partition, glared at the biggest boy who seemed to be making the
most noise, and ushered him over into his own class, telling him to
sit in the corner and behave. For a few moments there was an
almost unearthly silence and then a small voice piped up: "Please,
sir, you've taken our teacher"
The Friendship Book, D C
Thomson & Co Ltd. (20011129)
A Scottish visitor to the Holy Land was outraged at the cost of a
boat trip on the Lake of Galilee.
"Do you realise", he exclaimed, "I can hire a boat for a week on
Loch Lomond for that?"
"Ah, but sir, "the guide explained, "these are the waters on which
our Lord himself walked."
"No wonder he walked!" said the Scotsman.
By Kevin Veal taken from
Callington Methodist 'Contact' Magazine
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A few
items from actual Church bulletins or from announcements during
services.
(Obtained from the Atherington and High Bickham Parish Magazine)
The Sermon this morning:
'Jesus walks on water'. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for
Jesus'.
Ladies, don't forget the
rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not
worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you
off. Let the Church help.
Miss Charlotte Mason
sang 'I will not pass this way again', giving obvious pleasure to
the congregation.
The Rector will preach
his farewell message, after which the choir will sing 'Break forth
into joy'.
Many thanks to Charles Pearce for this
contribution.
A TEACHER was exploring the children's
notion of God. She asked, "Tom, who is God?"
Six year old Tommy furrowed his brows
and thought for a moment or two about the question. Suddenly
he brightened, and with a smile said:
"I think God is the man who saved the
Queen".
From Christian Crackers by Phil Mason
Children's Logic!
The
children were lined up for lunch in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school. At the end of the table was a large pile of
apples.
The nun
made a note and placed it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE.
God is watching".
Moving
further along the lunch line at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child
had written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the
apples!"
Taken
from the Newsletter of Oadby Trinity & Great Glen Methodist
Churches, Leicestershire.
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Answers to Quickie
Brainteaser
Q1: If you answered
that you are the first, then you are wrong! If you
overtake the second person and you take his place, then you
are second!
Q2: If you answered that
you are second to last, then you are wrong again. How
can you overtake the LAST person?
Q3: Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don't
believe it, check it now with a calculator!
Q4: Did you answer Nuno?
Wrong I'm afraid. Her name is Mary. Read the
question again!
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Mothers
A few months ago, when I
was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well
rushed up to me, Emily was fuming with indignation.
Do you know what you and
I are?' she demanded. Before I could answer and I didn't
really have one handy, she blurted out the reason for her question.
It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's license
at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to
state her 'occupation', Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to
classify herself.
'What I mean is,'
explained the recorder, 'do you have a job, or are you just a ...?
'Of course I have a
job,' snapped Emily, 'I'm a mother.'
'We don't list "mother"
as an occupation ... "housewife" covers it,' said the recorder
emphatically.
I forgot all about her
story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time
at our own Town Hall. The clerk, was obviously a career woman,
poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title, like
'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar'.
'And what is your
occupation?' she probed.
What made me say it, I
do not know. The words simply popped out. 'I'm ...a
Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human
Relations.'
The clerk paused,
ball-point pen frozen in mid air, and she looked up as if she had
not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasising the
most significant words. Then I stare with wonder as my pompous
pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official
questionnaire.
'Might I ask,' said the
clerk with new interest, 'just what you do in your field?'
Coolly, without any
trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, 'I have a
continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the
Laboratory and in the field (normally I would have indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already
have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one
of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to
disagree?) and I often work fourteen hours a day (twenty-four is
more like it). But the job is more challenging than most
run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather
than just money.'
There was an increasing
note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form,
stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove
into our driveway buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was
greeted by my lab assistants - ages thirteen, seven and three.
And upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model (six months)
in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt triumphant.
I had scored a beat on bureaucracy. And I had gone down of the
official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to
mankind than 'just mother ...'
Home ... what a glorious
career. Especially when there's a title on the door.From A Box of Delights,
J John and Mark Stibbe. Monarch Books |
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What is ... (1) Conscience?
I've heard many definitions from
pulpit and platform and read even more in books written by the
greatest philosophers who ever lived.
But one of the most memorable, if
perhaps the most light-hearted, comes from a schoolboy to whom that
question was put not long ago.
"Conscience," he said solemnly
after a moment's thought, "is something that makes to you tell your
mother before your sister does."
... and (2) Woman's intuition?
Intuition is what enables a woman
to contradict her husband before he says a word!
The Friendship Book, D C Thomson & Co Ltd
(730305-730706)
And finally ...
Whilst
carrying our some work to the outside of the Church building quite a
while ago I was approached by an elderly couple who were on holiday
from up North.
They
asked various questions about the history of the church buildings
and the activities which took place within it. I opened the
front door and allowed them to have a brief look around; they were
very impressed with the interior of the church.
Music
was something that they were both very much involved in back home.
When I was asked about our own choir I was able to tell them that it
consisted of about 'TWENTY ODD PEOPLE!'
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